


before i fall (HIATUS)

by Iiara



Series: On A Long Hiatus With A Shitty Update Schedule [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Blood, Blood and Violence, Car Accidents, Crying, Depression, Drinking, Enemies to Lovers, High School, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love/Hate, M/M, Making Out, Murder-Suicide, My First Fanfic, Not Really Character Death, Panic Attacks, Partying, Possible Character Death, Self-Denial, Suffering, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Skips, Time Travel, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26363938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iiara/pseuds/Iiara
Summary: Hyunjin´s fist missing his face.Jisung pulling him up the front steps.Hyunjin´s hands in his hair.Minho shoving a drink in his hand.Hyunjin moaning his name.Chan losing control of the car.Hyunjin shoving him away.Pain.Nothing but pain.He´d give anything for this world to end.Or, Felix keeps reliving the night he and his friends die and has to find a way to save them~-----Edit: I don't have the time to write anymore, I really don't, and it honestly hurts. I'm really sorry guys, I'm not going to delete this work, but I don't know when I can pick it up again. Don't read it cause it ends on a cliffhanger :'((happy holidays ;-;)
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Kim Seungmin/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Series: On A Long Hiatus With A Shitty Update Schedule [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1996213
Comments: 21
Kudos: 39





	1. see you in your dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fic, I'm really sorry if it's terrible~  
> It´s pretty fun to write tho :D  
> I'm not sure whether to tag this major character death or not-? People do die, but not forever(?), and someone might die in the end but I'm not sure yet! ill add tags for other stuff as it comes along.  
> Warnings- there is also some blood and violence in this chapter and in this work, please do not read if this triggers you!  
> Enjoy! :)

Images were flashing through Felix´s head.

Blood.  
Screaming.  
Pain.  
So, so much pain.

The car- Chan had lost control of the car-

It hurt. It hurt a lot, actually.

He´d been at school, then the party- 

Chan was going, Jeongin was going, Jisung was going, Minho and Changbin were going because Jisung had forced them, and Felix had to go because Chan and Jisung would drag him up the front steps if they had to. Or at least to the driveway.

He hadn´t wanted to go.  
Of course not. No way in hell.  
Especially now.  
Where was Chan?

The party had been- was being thrown by none other than Felix´s mortal enemy. The biggest asshole Felix had ever met. Or anyone else had, for that matter.  
Otherwise known as Hwang Hyunjin.  
Star basketball player, a straight-A student, took Jeongin´s lunch money even though he had plenty of his own, and today he´d even given Felix a bloody nose in gym class.  
¨I´m so sorry teacher, it was an accident, maybe I could walk him to the nurse´s office?¨  
Of course, once the teacher had said yes, he´d flipped Felix off and skipped class. Probably to make out with that idiot girlfriend of his. He´d cheated on her so many times that Felix almost felt sorry for her, except she´d also once dumped her water bottle over Felix´s head at lunch. ¨Freak,¨ she´d whispered before walking away.

They´re suited for each other.

He´d gone to the party.  
He hadn´t wanted to go, no way, but Jisung had yanked him through the front door and shoved a drink in his hand and Felix had thought, ¨fuck it¨.

So he´d gotten drunk.

Completely wasted, falling drunk, so drunk he was pretty sure he´d even done some karaoke with Minho at some point. He´d danced and sung and drunk some more, and he hadn´t even seen Hyunjin the whole night. Definitely a plus. Then he´d stumbled upstairs into the first bedroom he could find because he needed a break, and he knew if he didn´t take one he´d trip and crack his head open on one of the dead animal heads Hyunjin´s father seemed to like collecting so much. 

And then he´d found Hyunjin.  
Hyunjin with bruised knuckles and messy hair and a crumpled beer can in his hand.  
He looked like shit.  
¨You look like shit,¨ Felix said, grinning.

Hyunjin turned. He had a black eye, too. Makes him look kinda hot, Felix thought.  
¨Get out,¨ Hyunjin growled.  
Felix didn´t move.¨So who´d you punch?¨  
Hyunjin stepped closer. ¨I said get out.¨  
The world was tilting. Tilting far left. Felix grabbed the wall.

¨Was it Seungmin, then? I swear I saw him with a busted lip earlier.¨  
He glanced up.¨I mean, I thought you two were friends.¨  
Hyunjin was right in front of him now. ¨Leave,¨ he hissed.  
Felix stared at him. ¨Why can't I stay?¨ He pushed himself off the wall. The world tilted faster. 

¨Because you´re a piece of shit.¨ He grabbed Felix´s arm. ¨Now go.¨  
Felix pushed him off. Hyunjin pushed him back. Felix shoved him again, Hyunjin grabbed the front of his shirt, and that´s when Felix lost all patience and punched him in the face. 

Hyunjin gaped at him. Felix could see a bruise on his face forming just under the first one. He smirked. ¨You deserved that.¨  
Hyunjin shoved him into the bedside table. Felix tripped and fell, accidentally dodging the fist Hyunjin had aimed for his head. He landed hard on his wrist and groaned. Ow.

Hyunjin yanked him back up by his collar. ¨What is your fucking problem?¨  
Felix blinked. Hyunjin was so pretty. Even when he was acting like this. Especially like this. Do more, he thought. Punish me. Hate me even more. His hand reached up to caress Hyunjin´s cheek.  
Hyunjin´s eyes widened. ¨What are you-¨  
Felix leaned forward and kissed him.

The world stopped.  
Felix couldn´t hear anything besides the screaming in his head.  
Why did you do that why did you do that why did you do that-  
He pulled away. Hyunjin´s face was made of shock.

Felix blushed. ¨I, um- I didn't-¨ And shit, now he´s going to kill you. 

¨Look, I didn't-¨ Well, that was probably the stupidest thing you´ve ever done.

¨Don't stop.¨  
Felix blinked. ¨What?¨  
Hyunjin leaned in. His breath was warm against Felix´s lips. ¨I said don´t stop.¨  
Then he kissed him.

And Felix was speechless, just speechless, because Hyunjin was kissing him and he was kissing Hyunjin and his hands were in his hair and Felix had his arms around his waist, and he wanted him, he wanted more-

More.

His lips moved along Hyunjin´s neck, his teeth sunk into the soft skin just below his collarbone. Hyunjin moaned softly. ¨Felix-¨ His hands tightened in Felix´s hair.  
Felix smirked. He wanted Hyunjin to say his name, just like that, he wanted to see all the sounds Hyunjin could make- And I´m going to find out, he thought. You´re mine.  
His hands inched up Hyunjin´s shirt, nails sliding across muscled skin, and Hyunjin kissed him again, deeper than before, his fingers reaching down to palm the bulge in Felix´s pants-

Then a knock at the door.  
They froze.

¨Felix?¨ Jisung´s voice. ¨You in here? Changbin said he saw you go up here.¨ He knocked again. ¨Although maybe he´s wrong and I´m gonna have to search the whole house.¨ He sighed.

Felix pulled away from Hyunjin. ¨Uh, yeah?¨ He hoped his voice sounded normal. ¨I´m here.¨  
¨Well, that´s good, cause Jeongin´s mom is pissed that he hasn´t come home yet, so we gotta go because Chan is forcing us to,¨ he sighed again. ¨What are you doing in there, anyway?¨

¨I´m-¨ He looked at Hyunjin. Hyunjin stepped away from him. ¨I had to use the bathroom.¨ He tried to catch Hyunjin´s eye. Hyunjin was looking at anything but him. ¨I´ll just- I´ll be out in a sec.¨ His heart was beating out of his chest. ¨Hyunjin?¨ he asked softly.  
Hyunjin avoided his gave. ¨Go,¨ he muttered. ¨Get out.¨ Felix couldn´t see his face. So many emotions were swirling through his chest.

Felix didn´t know what to say.

So he turned the doorknob and left.

\-------

Felix was silent the whole drive home.

You kissed Hyunjin.

¨Stop that, that tickles!¨ Jisung giggled as Minho grabbed onto him. ¨I can´t breathe!¨  
¨You´ll live,¨ said Chan, rolling his eyes.  
¨I thought the whole point of air is that you can´t live without it?¨ 

You just kissed Hyunjin.

¨You know if you think about it everyone is dying every 3-4 minutes, it just resets every time you breathe.¨  
¨You two are so cute anyway. It makes me proud.¨  
¨I think that Jeongin is cuter though.¨  
¨You´re just drunk.¨  
¨Hey, that´s mean!¨

You kissed Hyunjin and then he kissed you and then he pushed you away-  
And you liked it.  
You liked it a lot.

¨I´ll show you mean you little-¨ Minho grabbed hold of Changbin and pulled him into the backseat. Changbin gasped. ¨Hey!¨  
¨Be nice,¨ said Jeongin, grinning.  
Minho elbowed Changbin. Changbin tried to elbow him back but shoved Chan instead. Chan shoved him back, grinning. Changbin yanked on Minho´s arm pulling him into the front seat, jostling Chan and making him lose his grip on the steering wheel. A bright white light flared in front of them-

¨Look out!¨ screamed Jisung.  
¨Shit-¨ said Chan.  
Then the sound of metal crumpling against metal.

And the pain.

The world that was left turned into nothing but pain.

He could see Chan screaming and Jeongin covered in blood.  
He could see Jisung sobbing and Changbin calling an ambulance.  
He couldn´t see Minho at all.

Felix begged for it to end.  
Anything.  
Anything but this, please-  
He´d give anything to make it end.

Sirens in the distance. Coming closer, closer-  
The world began to fade.

Felix woke up screaming.


	2. i'll still be there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> could someone do me a favor and tell how I ended up with 5k words iNstEaD oF 3k like I pLaNnEd >)  
> i meant to post this yesterday, on my birthday (and felix's too!) but nope, school killed me ;)  
> this was honestly a hard chapter!! three and four should be easier~ or maybe not, cause chapter three is where the suffering starts... ;-;
> 
> !!! warnings : mentions of self-harm !!!
> 
> enjoy!

Felix gasped for breath.

_ What the hell- _

He ran his hands through his hair.  _ What the hell was that? _

He glanced at the clock on his dresser. 7:26. The alarm hadn´t gone off yet. His head ached.

_ The crash- _

The clock showed the same date as before. Same date as yesterday-  _ no, not yesterday.  _ Today´s date, not the day before.

_ Same date.  _ Felix blinked.  _ Oh. _

_ It wasn´t real. _

_ It was just a nightmare. _

_ You´re fine. You´re not dead. _

He sighed.  _ It felt so real. _

7:29. Almost time for school. Felix felt dead to the world.

His alarm screamed at him.  _ BEEP BEEP BEEP-  _ Felix pushed himself out of bed, slamming the awful clock into the wall. It made a satisfying crunching sound against his hand.  _ Oops.  _

He frowned.  _ What was I doing again? _

_ School. Right. _

His head was swimming, or maybe it was his eyes-  _ Why is the world so blurry?  _ Felix glanced in the mirror- dark circles and puffy eyes- and grabbed the first outfit he could find-

¨Felix!¨ he could hear his mom calling from the kitchen.  _ The dream- right, what had it been about?¨ _ Felix! You´re going to be late!¨

¨I´m coming!¨ he called, pulling on a rumpled t-shirt and springing for the door.  _ The party, the car, and-  _ He tripped and hit his head on the wall.  _ Ow. _

_ ¨Felix!¨ _

_ ¨ _ I know!¨ He wrenched his door open and started for the kitchen. Every step seemed to make his throbbing headache worse. He winced in pain.

¨You look tired,¨ said his mom as he came through the doorway. ¨You should´ve gone to sleep earlier, don´t you have a test today?¨ She handed him a plate of eggs and kissed his forehead. ¨I love you, have a good day, you´ve got to leave in 10 minutes if you don´t want to miss the bus,¨ she said, looking him up and down. ¨And change your shirt, it´s wrinkled.¨ She ruffled his hair.

¨Thanks, Mom.¨

She pulled open the front door. ¨Bye!¨ she called cheerily.

Felix sighed.  _ I want to go back to sleep. Forever. And ever. _

He dumped the plate of food in the trash.  _ I hate wasting food.  _ On the other hand, though, he felt too nauseous to eat.  _ What is wrong with me? _

He grabbed his backpack and headed out the door. The sky was a cloudy gray; the wind blew leaves and petals into Felix´s hair. He could feel rain starting to fall. 

He heard the bus rolling down the road just as he reached the stop. The rain picked up, solid and heavy droplets soaking into his shirt. 

_ It´s wrong. _

_ It´s like there´s something off. _

_ Something you should be remembering. _

He stepped onto the bus. 

\-----

He sat in his usual seat, across from Minho and next to Jisung. Minho seemed to be asleep, snoring peacefully. Jisung was sketching a scene in a sketchbook, pink and orange and purple whirling together. Felix couldn´t exactly tell what it was, but even so, it was amazingly beautiful. 

Jisung held up his drawing. Some sort of city floating in a sunset sky. ¨What do you think?¨

¨It´s pretty cool.¨ It took Felix´s breath away.  _ I _ w _ ish I could draw like that. _

Jisung frowned. ¨I don´t like it, you know? The shading is all wrong.¨ Felix just shrugged. 

Being around Jisung was like a breath of fresh air. It was almost like the sun shined more radiantly when it was gazing at Jisung. He didn´t belong to any group or clique, but everyone knew him. Theatre, art, music, he was skilled at anything he tried. 

He didn´t understand why Jisung hung out with him, either. He had so many other friends, why did he pick Felix? He´d simply chose to sit next to the new kid at lunch one day, giving him a wink and a smile. ¨You´re the newbie, right?¨ He grinned. ¨You look so lonely! Come on, come sit with us!¨

It wasn´t like Felix could say no to that smile.

He stared out the window, small droplets of rain hitting the glass softly. The city loomed in the distance, its skyscrapers blurring against the clouds and mist. The bus doors whooshed open; someone tripped and cursed leaping up the stairs. Jisung was raving over some band and ranking the members by dancing, singing, and how attractive they were, but Felix could barely hear him.

_ Wrong. _

_ There´s something wrong, isn´t there? _

¨Move, loser.¨

_ What? _

Felix looked up.

Long blonde hair and a sour expression.

An electric current tore through his chest.

¨I said move, idiot, you´re blocking the aisle.¨

_ Hyunjin. _

_ Oh, fuck. _

Felix gaped at him.  _ That face, those eyes-  _ His hair and clothes were wet, dripping onto the floor. He looked like he wanted to strangle someone. C _ ould be _ _ me, in this case.  _

Felix was numb. Like his body was burning and frozen at the same time.  _ That dream you had, last night, it was about- _

Hyunjin pushed him aside, jostling him and Jisung. ¨Too early for this bullshit,¨ Felix heard him mutter quietly. W _ as about- was about Hyunjin- _

_ ¨ _ Someone´s grumpy,¨ he heard Jisung say from far away. ¨Wonder what his problem is?¨ He snapped his fingers. ¨Hey, Felix, you there?¨

Felix could feel his face turning red.

_ Hyunjin´s fist missing his face. _

_ Hyunjin´s hands in his hair.  _

_ Hyunjin moaning his name. _

_ Hyunjin pushing him away. _

_ Oh god- _

"If only I could know what was inside that head of yours," Jisung sighed. "You're so out of it today." He frowned. "Did you discover the meaning of life?" 

"The meaning of life is caffeine," Felix mumbled.  _ True enough. _

He twisted around in his seat. Hyunjin sat a few rows behind, scrolling through his phone, looking bored.

_ You had a dream about Hyunjin. _

Hyunjin glanced up. Their eyes met. Felix could remember looking into his up close- d _ ark, deep brown, almost black- _

_ A dream where you kissed him. _

Felix turned away. He could feel Hyunjin's gaze searing holes into the back of his head. 

_ It didn't mean anything. _

_ It didn't.  _

Even if he still could feel Hyunjin's breath on his lips-

... _ don't stop. _

He hadn't wanted to.

_ He has a girlfriend, you idiot.  _

_ I know that! It didn't mean anything- _

_ Then why are you acting as if it did? _

Felix took a shaky breath.

_ It didn't feel like a dream. _

_ And it didn't mean anything, either. _

_ Did it? _

The bus turned sharply, skidding down the driveway to the school entrance. Wheels hit puddles that created small waves, rippling and spilling onto the sidewalk. If Felix looked hard enough, he could almost see his reflection in the water. 

_ Maybe this is a dream too. _

Felix realized they'd stopped as the bus doors opened, spilling kids out onto the sidewalk. They huddled together under the rain, looking damp and miserable. 

_ Guess the only way to know would be waking up, though. _

He waited before most of them had gone out before standing up and leaving himself. The wind seemed to draw the mist even closer. Felix couldn't see anyone or anything, just blurry forms drifting across the cement.  _ Like ghosts. _

He recognized the blond hair and scowl as he stepped up to the entrance, with his arm around a very giggly girl with a ponytail. Felix turned away.

_ I bet everyone here is at least a little dead inside. _

Felix closed his eyes as he passed through the doors, making his way towards his locker. The world still seemed a bit blurred and hazy, even without the cloudy rain. It was like looking through a fogged window, everything vague and dull. It made Felix feel just a little lonely. 

_ I wonder if anyone else feels alone. _

He walked fast to his first class, keeping his head down. He saw Chan in the corner, waving at him. Felix ignored him, grabbing the door handle and slamming it behind him.  _ What is wrong with me? _

Felix flung his books at his desk before sitting down himself, placing his head in his hands. He felt sick for no reason at all.

_ I just wanna go home. _

The first period dragged by, an algebra lecture taught in what appeared to be the dullest way possible. Felix nodded off halfway through the first sentence. The bell rang just as he remembered they had a test on Monday based on the lesson, and it was at least a third of their grade-  _ Shit, and I can't borrow my friends' notes, cause they're not in this class- _

After math was bio, in which he and Changbin stabbed a frog repeatedly until all that remained was a pile of grayish mush, and after that was chem, where Chan knocked over a whole box of glass vials and he, Felix, and Minho had spent 30 minutes cleaning up the mess. "A for extra credit!" he said, smiling. Nothing ever seems to make him upset or angry, Felix thought. Minho rolled his eyes. "You're the one who broke these, so how is that extra credit?"

English was after that, and then Art, easily his favorite class. Even if he couldn't draw like Jisung he still loved the feeling of putting pencil to paper, shapes that only existed in his head gradually taking form. There wasn't anyone he knew in this class, and that left him free to concentrate, to ignore everything else in the world for a little while. 

"Great work, Felix!" The art teacher flashed a big, toothy smile at him. Felix loved her. Besides Chan, she was easily one of the nicest people he'd ever met.

The bell rang.

History test. Simple. One of the only classes Felix actually paid attention to. Their teacher was old and slightly resembled an old, wrinkled tortoise, but he could actually make learning fun and interesting, something none of his other teachers seemed to manage.  _ Isn't that what school's for, anyway? _

He gazed around. No one in this class but Jeongin. One of his other classmates, the one passing out papers, slammed a test sheet onto his desk. Looking at the questions, Felix felt slightly better than he had all day.  _ Well, damn, I actually know these. _

He circled the first three answers.  _ Easy.  _ He scribbled down a sentence for the next one.  _ Even easier.  _ He could see Jeongin next to him, biting his nails and looking panicked. Felix turned away.

_ Actually, how come you never talk to Jeongin? _

He probably knew Jeongin least well of everyone at their lunch table, actually. Quiet and shy and a little awkward-  _ I don't really know anything else. He's never said much to me... _

Just another one of Jisung's lost souls, rounded up by the cute squirrel with the adorable smile. Felix could see Jeongin's nails digging deep into his wrists.

_ You've never said much to him either. _

He finished the last few answers, walking up to the teacher's desk to hand in his paper. As he sat down again, resting his head in his arms, he realized-  _ wait, you could've let him copy off you, right? _

Felix turned back to Jeongin, still looking stressed and confused, and spent the rest of class feeling like a total idiot. 

Lunch made Felix feel a bit better. Changbin throwing French fries at Minho, Minho stealing Jisung's food, Jisung yelling at everybody about his latest theory for an anime he'd just watched, while Chan gave out free hugs to anyone and everyone. Resting his head on Chan's shoulder almost made that sick, hazy feeling go away entirely. He could hear Jisung, Changbin, and Jeongin in the distance arguing about which character from some show would win in a fight.

"Lixie?" Chan whispered. That made Felix smile. No one else ever called him Lixie. "You ok?" 

Felix closed his eyes. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," he said softly.

_ You're fine. _

The bell rang.

Gym class after lunch. Pure torture. 

Basketball unit. Even worse.

He spotted Hyunjin on the right side of the bleachers, chatting with that guy Seungmin. He'd been lab partners with Seungmin once; the guy was a little rude, but also devilishly smart; he'd saved Felix from a failing grade. 

Felix's stomach twisted as his eyes wandered back to Hyunjin, his long hair tied up in a messy ponytail.  _ Remember when you kissed him-  _ Felix tore his eyes away.  _ That didn't happen, idiot. _

The sick, foggy feeling was back. Felix felt like the world was spinning, and everything spun towards Hyunjin, including him. 

Felix could also feel someone's eyes searing his skin. To the right- _ Hyunjin? _

He turned.  _ Not Hyunjin. _

Seungmin's gaze was locked on Felix, his eyes full of something Felix couldn't explain-  _ anger? Confusion? _

_ What did I ever do to him? _

_ " _ You, you, and you, on this team- and you and you, over there," their coach barked. He was in his mid-forties, short and burly, and a bit like one of those mean small dogs that try to bite you if you look at them wrong. (Also, he could never get Felix's name right.) 

Felix reluctantly got up, walking over to his team slowly.  _ At least no one ever passes to me,  _ he thought, as the game started- lots of shoving and shouting and as much as Felix tried to stay off to the side, he could feel himself getting sucked in- the world was rotating, spinning even faster now, he was running but he didn't know in which direction- he could see Hyunjin, sweaty and red-faced, his long legs springing from the ground; his hand reaching up to catch the ball-

_ Wham. _

Felix hit the floor.

Something warm and sticky was dripping down his face, staining bits of the floor red.  _ Blood? What-? _

Then the pain hit.

_ Ow ow ow what the fuck- _

It was like Felix's face was on fire- and the steady drip of red onto his clothes wasn't exactly helping. He pinched his nose, which hurt (badly), and only helped the blood a little.  _ If someone fucking broke it- _

_ " _ -Sorry, Coach! It was an accident!" 

Felix could see Hyunjin yelling at the coach, could see every bead of sweat dripping down his muscular arms-  _ did you just hit me in the face- _

_ " _ -you want me to take him to the nurse's office?"

Felix felt a hand grabbing his arm, yanking him onto his feet and out onto the hallway. The world was a little blurry. Hyunjin hit him- Hyunjin was pulling his arm- he yanked away. He could hear him saying something- "-what did you do that for?"

Felix blinked. Hyunjin's annoyed face hovered a few inches above him; his bangs were in his eyes; Felix wanted to reach up and brush them away- "What?"

"You got in the way," Hyunjin muttered, turning away. "Move faster next time."

Felix gaped at him. "You- are you fucking serious? You aimed that ball right at my face!" 

"Or maybe you aimed your face at the ball."

Blood trickled down Felix's arm, dyeing his sleeve red. "You could've broken my nose!" He could feel his face turning red with anger.

"It was an accident, jackass." Hyunjin was walking in the other direction. "And that's not what a broken nose looks like." 

"How would you know?" Felix hissed. Hyunjin seemed to freeze for a second, his muscles tensing, his fists clenching slightly. Then he kept walking. "And where are you going?" 

"You need me to get you a leash? Nurse's office is that way."

Felix felt roaring in his ears. "You- you-"

Hyunjin gave him the finger over his shoulder.

Felix took a deep breath. His sleeve was becoming spotted with more and more red.  _ Why didn't you get a box of tissues or something? _

He stomped through the halls, giving a death glare to a few freshmen staring at him as he walked.  _ Is it me or do they get smaller every year?  _ They walked twice as fast when he passed by.

Felix realized he'd passed the office a few doors back; he went back and grabbed the handle, storming in without knocking. At the nurse's desk was a petite girl with curly brown hair, who surveyed him up and down, her eyes widening silently. 

"Gym class," muttered Felix.  _ I must look insane.  _ "I'll just have, like, some tissues, if you've got any."

She jumped to her feet, seizing a box of Kleenex and an ice pack from the wobbly shelves and leaky minifridge behind her.  _ She looks like a bird.  _ She was so thin, too; as if someone held her too hard she might break.

Bird girl came out from behind the desk, hopping over a stack of health books to get to Felix. She held out the items for him to take, and as Felix took them he realized she looked strangely familiar.

"What's your name?" Her response was so faint he doubted even she could hear it. "Sorry, what?"

"It's Hannah," she whispered, ducking back behind the desk. Felix stared.  _ Hannah... _

_ " _ Are you- aren't you Chan's little sister?"

He could see her small head bob up and down. Felix smiled. "I'm Felix! I bet you've heard him talk about me-"

"He doesn't talk to me," said Hannah in that same breathy whisper. Before Felix could think of a reply, she'd pulled on her headphones and her hoodie over her head.

_ Well, okay then. _

Felix heard the bell ring for the next class as he pulled extra tissues to his (still) bleeding nose.  _ I guess I'll stay here.  _ He sagged against the wall, drums beating painfully inside his head.

_ "That's not what a broken nose looks like." _

Stupid Hyunjin.

Stupid fucking Hyunjin with his long hair and those muscles and those wide, sad eyes-

_ "You got in the way." _

Because he was always in the way, he was never normal- too weird, too loud, too  _ Felix _ \- and there's no way Hyunjin would ever care- because no one did, no one knew-

" _ Why do you hate me? _

_ Hyunjin turned around. "What?" _

_ "Why do you hate me so much?" Felix laughed. "I mean, what did I ever do to you?" _

_ "I don't hate you." Felix blinked. "No one hates you." Hyunjin paused. "Because no one ever thinks of you." _

_ "Don't stop." _

_ "I- what?" _

_ "I said don't stop." _

_ Felix laughed. _

_ Liar. _

_ He could hear a sharp ringing inside his head- getting louder and louder- filling the room with a single, piercing note- _

Felix jerked upright. The ringing was still there-  _ The bell.  _ He rubbed his eyes-  _ When did I fall asleep? _

Felix groaned, rubbing his sore eyes. He noticed Chan's little sister was gone.  _ You should go, too, you're gonna miss the bus. _

Felix stumbled through the hallways, stopping by a bathroom to clean his face- shoving all his school books into a broken locker that no one used (he'd forgotten the combination for his months ago) right before almost slamming into Jisung.

Felix yelped. Jisung had been peering right over his shoulder- "What the hell?"

"That's what I was gonna ask!" Jisung glared at him pointedly. "As in, what the hell are you doing?"

"Um-" Felix gestured at his (sorta his) open locker. "I was...going home?"

"Exactly!"

Felix stared.

"You never do listen, do you?" Jisung sighed. "You promised to come over with everyone else, remember? At lunch?" He frowned. "Why do you have blood on your shirt?"

Felix frowned. He vaguely remembered Jisung asking the table something about his house, a party- but he'd been half asleep on Chan's shoulder at the time. "Nosebleed," he murmured. "Look, Ji, I'm pretty tired, I had a long day-"

"Oh, no way!" He grabbed Felix's arm and pulled him along. "There is absolutely no way you're getting out of this one. I mean, come on!" Jisung rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. "First your dog was sick- then you had a migraine- and then your mom's great-aunt's cousin or whatever died-"

"Uh, Jisung, my mom's aunt did die, remember? We had to go out of town for the funeral."

"That's no excuse!" Jisung dragged him out the door onto the front steps. "It's like we never hang out anymore!" 

Felix stopped, pulling Jisung to a halt. "Please, Ji," he murmured. "Look, I feel really sick. I really do."

Jisung sighed, and for a second Felix thought he might even let him go, but- "You can take a nap at my house," he said. "And then I'm dragging your ass to Hyunjin's party." He stared down at Felix. "That fair?"

Felix groaned.  _ Hyunjin's party?  _ "Jisung-"

Jisung ignored him, leaping down the walkway towards a gray SUV. He could see Chan and the others inside, waving at Jisung. Felix sighed.  _ Dammit. Now you can't leave, because you'll feel guilty for the rest of the week and/or possibly longer. _

_ " _ Felix, come on!!"

Felix dragged his feet down the stairwell, heading towards the car and his friends. His head felt like someone had hammered multiple thick spikes into it.

_ Great. _

_ Just great. _

_ \----- _

Jisung wasn't allowed to use his dad's car (on account of breaking the windshield a year ago with a baseball) so Chan had driven them, right after Jisung had forced Felix to get up and change clothes.

And then Changbin had pulled him out of the car- Jisung had dragged him up the front steps, and Minho had put a drink in his hand- and the music was loud and yeah, Felix hated this song, but everyone  _ seemed _ to be having a good time, so Felix decided to at least try and do the same.

_ Fuck it. _

Felix downed the beer in one gulp. It tasted terrible- watery and slightly bitter, but it did manage to lessen the pain in his head, along with spreading warmth through his arms and chest.

Felix poured in a refill.  _ It is a party, after all.  _ He drank the second round of poison, feeling the room starting to spin slowly.

Things got a little fuzzy after that.

He remembered dancing, he remembered drinking, he remembered Minho pulling him onto a makeshift stage while they sang Shawn Mendes loud and out of tune. And then he remembered drinking some more before his awful migraine came back-

Felix stumbled upstairs, tripping and nearly cracking open his skull on the railing.  _ The world needs to stop spinning _ \- He felt a hand grab his shoulder, saving him from plunging back down. The hand tightened, digging nails into Felix's skin. 

_ " _ What did you do?" hissed a voice from to his right.  _ What?  _ "You- you did something- you messed it up-"

Felix looked up. Standing in front of him was Seungmin, looking completely insane. A split lip with tangled hair and a purple bruise around his eye- "I-I-what?" 

"Last night," growled Seungmin. His eyes were wide. "What did you do last night?" 

"I d-don't- I went home after school?"

Seungmin pushed him into the wall. "Useless," he muttered before storming down the stairs. 

Felix pulled himself up, wobbling unsteadily.  _ Is he drunk?  _ The world tilted left, making Felix fall back against the wall. Well,  _ I'm drunk.  _ He grabbed what seemed to be a door handle behind him, turning it and stumbling into a bedroom.  _ A bed, finally-  _

"Get out."

Felix blinked. Someone else was there, in the corner; someone with a black eye and bruises on his hand,  _ bruises that match Seungmin's,  _ and Felix knew exactly who'd it be even before he turned, even before he spoke.

_ It's just like before. _

_ " _ I said get out."

_ Even the same words- even the same look on his face- _

Felix started laughing. He could see the absurd look on Hyunjin's face as he doubled over, and that made it even better- at some point Felix must have fallen over because next thing he knew he was on the ground, staring up at a shocked Hyunjin. 

"I-" he choked, "You're the same," he said, grinning weakly.  _ Everything's the same. _

_ Every little thing is the same- _

_ What's happening to me? _

Hyunjin grabbed his arm and yanked him to his feet. "Are you fucking drunk?" 

"It's a party, Jinnie," said Felix, the words slurring slightly.  _ You're even drunker this time, aren't you?  _ His legs buckled; he wrapped his arms around Hyunjin for support. Hyunjin let out a surprised yelp, shoving him back into the wall.

"Asshole," hissed Felix, putting a hand out for support.  _ I wish the world would stop spinning right about now. _ "Why do you look like shit?"  _ Oh, right, Seungmin.  _ "I mean, what did Seungmin ever do to you?"

"I told you to leave." Hyunjin took a step closer.

Felix raised his eyebrows.  _ Really? Is that really what you want? _

_ " _ Yes," Hyunjin said, and Felix realized he'd said that out loud. "I want you to go."

Felix shrugged. "Make me."

Hyunjin grabbed him by his collar, dragging him up towards the door, but stopped as Felix wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling the two of them closer together. Hyunjin's eyes widened in surprise.

"Are you sure?" Felix whispered, leaning in closer. "Because I don't believe you." His hand strayed upwards, resting just under the bruise on Hyunjin's face. "I don't believe you at all." 

Hyunjin's gaze turned downwards, his eyes resting on a point somewhere around Felix's chin. And Felix couldn't do anything but stare at him,-  _ why are you so fucking pretty? how, even? _

"You can stay," whispered Hyunjin. "You can- you don't have to stop." There was something else on Hyunjin's face now, something like fear, or pain, or maybe even some desire-

Felix leaned up and kissed him.

And he'd knew Hyunjin would kiss back, he knew it, but it didn't make it any less amazing when he did. 

Felix reached up, tangling his hands in Hyunjin's long hair; tightening his grip, pulling him closer. Hyunjin gasped softly, whispering Felix's name against his lips.  _ It's not fair that you're so perfect,  _ thought Felix, sinking his teeth briefly into Hyunjin's bottom lip. He thought of Hyunjin's girlfriend briefly, guilt rising up and just as quickly shoved back down. 

_ I wish you were mine. _

Hyunjin kissed him again, his strong arms curling around Felix's waist, and if Felix looked hard enough he could almost see it. Hyunjin was so mean, he was such an asshole, but Felix couldn't stop, he didn't even want to-

_ You're like an angel. _

His hand inched up Hyunjin's shirt, feeling the rippling muscles under.  _ Damn.  _ He reached up higher, remembering Hyunjin in gym class- sweat dripping down his neck, his eyes wild, his arms stretching up-

Felix froze, his fingers brushing Hyunjin's shoulder.

_ What- _

_ What is this? _

Hyunjin gasped. He wrenched away from Felix, his eyes wild with something- anger? Fear?

Felix stared at him, backing away slowly. "I- Hyunjin-" The words got lost in his throat. "Was that- that was-" 

"No," said Hyunjin, his voice raw. "It wasn't." He grabbed the doorknob, pulling the door open and slamming it behind him.

"I- Hyunjin!"

Felix ran after him, out into the hall crowded with a mass of people. He could just see the blond hair tearing down the stairwell, his face turned away from Felix.

"Hyunjin, wait!"

Felix thought he might've heard, for a second, but then he kept going, shoving through the crowd and completely ignoring Felix. "Hyunjin-" There were too many people. Felix managed to get to the stairs, but he couldn't see where Hyunjin was.  _ Dammit- this stupid house with a billion rooms-  _ He scanned the crowd again. No Hyunjin, anywhere.  _ Fuck. _

_ " _ Hey, Felix!" Jisung's grinning face was suddenly in front of his. His pupils were dilated, making him look less like a squirrel and more like a squirrel in the middle of the road, about to get run over. "I've been looking for you~" He leaned over, almost spilling his drink on Felix's shoes. "We're leaving; so if you don't wanna be stuck without a ride, you gotta hurry!" He smiled, looking slightly 

"I- what? Jisung, I can't leave now-"

"Too bad!" He tugged on Felix's sleeve, pulling him down the steps. "Jeongin's mom just called, she's super pissed at us cause he's not home yet- and, you know, I'd rather not get murdered in my sleep, cause you know how she is." He pulled Felix towards the front door. "But, also, I told you so!"

"What?"

"I knew you'd have a good time!! I mean, come on, you don't even wanna leave now." Jisung cursed, kicking the front door open and spilling his drink everywhere in the process. "Shit- but you know what I mean." He winked. "Live a little!"

Felix craned his head, looking everywhere for Hyunjin- but it was too dark to see much, just a few kids on the porch and a few making out in the bushes-

"Where did Chan park it again-?" muttered Jisung. "Ah, right-" He headed towards the dark gray SUV a few spots down. "That one...I think?" He started towards the car, and Felix followed. Jisung reached the car, pulling open the door, and Felix froze in place.

_ Last time- _

_ Last time, when Chan lost control- _

_ " _ Uh, Felix? What are you doing?

"Sorry," Felix mumbled, climbing in.  _ Don't be stupid. _

_ \----- _

Felix was silent on the drive home. He tensed every time they hit a bump in the road, every time a branch hit the windshield-

_ It hurt, didn't it? _

_ When you died. _

"Stop that, that tickles! I can't breathe!"

_ Except you didn't die- _

_ It was just a dream, remember? _

_ It wasn't real. _

_ " _ Pfft, you'll live."

"I thought the whole point of air is that you can't live without it?"

_ Then what about Hyunjin? _

_ Hyunjin- you kissed him, and then he kissed you- _

_ And then he shoved you away. _

"You know, if you think about it, everyone is dying every 3-4 minutes. It just resets every time you breathe."

_ Hyunjin pulling you closer and closer- _

_ And then his shoulder- _

_ His shoulder- _

"You two are so cute, anyway. Makes me so proud."

"Isn't Jeongin much cuter, though?"

_ Scars. _

_ So many scars. _

_ Some that were still fresh- when he touched them, Felix could feel blood on his skin- _

"You're just drunk."

"Hey, that's mean!"

_ Why-? _

_ There were so many, too. _

_ Why were there so many? _

They hit a pothole, and Felix's whole body tensed as if waiting for the impact, the blinding white light, the pain that slowly fades away.

_ His shoulder- cause the wrist is more noticeable, right? For basketball and stuff... _

_ Why did you never notice? _

_ Why didn't anyone else? _

"I'll show you mean you little-"

"Hey!"

_ You should've noticed. _

_ You should've paid more attention- _

"Look out!" screamed Jisung.

"Shit-"

_ No- _

_ No, no, no- _

A blinding light flared in front of the car-

Metal folded into metal, creating a horrible screech.

Felix couldn't see.

He could hear the screams, though.

_ It was real. _

_ It was real it was real it was real- _

The screams were slowly fading. Felix could feel himself sinking, deep into a bottomless pool of water, muffling out sound and stifling his breath.

_ At least it doesn't hurt as much this time. _

_ This time. _

Felix closed his eyes and sank.

_ Hyunjin- _

_ What happened to Hyunjin? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i spent my time writing instead of doing homework, so now I'm failing history :D  
> also, I reread chapter 1 and haha, i accidentally put it in HTML format and forgot the italics, so now I gotta fix that, lol~  
> if u see any mistakes in my work, pls tell me so I can fix them! i try to edit as best as I can, but sometimes I miss things ;)  
> ty for the comments and kudos ;-; those honestly motivate me a lot, and each one makes me really happy :)  
> and don't forget to stream in life and back door!!!  
> <3 thanks for reading! have a good day/night y'all <3


	3. if it's a nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, this chapter is a day late. That's cause I completely rewrote it twice ;-; I'm sorry~ but at least it's 5.3k, I guess-?  
> anyway, it can be summarized like this-
> 
> 1\. Felix is a mess  
> 2\. Felix is a panicking mess  
> 3\. Felix is a sobbing mess
> 
> also, now I have to come up with a new plot/ending cause the first one don't work~ I, uh, don't really know where I'm going, I mean I have a basic idea, but I'm just trying not to mess things up heh x_x
> 
> warnings----- panic attacks, blood, death, suicide
> 
> I'm a mess, this chapter is a mess, so now enjoy ;)

_ No. _

_ No no no- _

Felix's throat was parched, his eyes were dry and burning, and he was trying not to look at the clock on the mantle-

_ 7:23 am. _

_ Friday, November 8th. _

_ No no no no no- _

It was the same.

The dirty clothes flung across the floor, his mother's soft voice in the kitchen, the faint gray light filtering in through the curtains.

And then the accident-

_ "I'm sorry-" _

_ "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it's my fault-" _

_ Minho clung to Jisung, Jisung's arm bent at an unnatural angle, his face a mask of pain.  _

_ "It's my fault, it's my fault, I'm so sorry-" _

_ "Minho," hissed Jisung through clenched teeth. "Stop it." _

_ Minho was shaking, his eyes wide and silent with fear. "Sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry." _

_ Felix couldn't see anyone else. _

_ He couldn't see much of anything anymore. _

_ He could hear Chan shouting and Changbin calling an ambulance- so where was Jeongin? _

_ Felix gasped for air. Nighttime was dark, but not this dark- and this sort of darkness seemed to have its hands around his throat. _

_ He reached out, his hand brushing something sticky and wet- blood? Mine? _

_ Or not-? _

_ Felix's hand fell. His muscles were locked, his lungs felt like they were full of water; or acid, tiny vials of acid breaking inside of his chest. _

_ I can't hear them anymore. _

_ I can't hear anything. _

_ It was like Felix was underwater, no air, no sound, no way to go but down. _

_ It doesn't hurt this time. _

_ Not the way it did before. _

_ Before- _

_ That time it was worse- _

_ Felix thought of blond hair and dark eyes and his lips on his neck- _

_ Don't go. _

_ The way he'd run, the panic on his face- _

_ Don't leave me here. _

_ Felix could almost feel his lungs clearing, could almost see the damage being repaired- bones mending and flesh sealing and cells multiplying- _

_ Please. _

_ The lake pulled him down, down, cold water leeching the warmth from his skin, and Felix knew that there wasn't a surface, there wasn't anything left but this. The end of the world. _

_ Please- _

_ Please, Hyunjin- _

_ Felix closed his eyes. _

_ I don't want to be alone. _

Felix jerked awake.

BEEP BEEP BEEP-

Felix buried his head under his pillow.

_ Was it real? _

_ It can't have been real. _

_ But it's the same day. _

BEEP BEEP BEEP- he slammed his hand into the clock, biting down the insane laugh rising in his chest.

_ It's the same day. _

_ You're alive you're alive you're alive- _

_ But were you before-? _

He could feel his whole body trembling.

_ It hurt. _

_ It hurt when you- when you- _

Felix couldn't feel his face. He remembered being sucked into a pitch-black mire, no light, no air, no sound. And the time before that- it had hurt, there'd been nothing left, just pain. Waiting for the end, wishing it would come faster-

_ You didn't make it. _

_ You didn't make it, did you? _

_ You died... _

_ But I'm still here,  _ cried Felix silently.  _ I'm still here. _

_ Why? _

_ What is happening to me? _

"Felix?" His door creaked open. "Felix, you're not even up yet!" His mother's stressed voice carried across the room.

"I'm sick."  _ You're not sick. You're just going insane.  _

"Felix, you have a test today!"

"Mom, I'm sick!" He turned over, trying to look as miserable as possible. It wasn't hard. "I can't go."

She walked over to his bed, setting her hand on his forehead while frowning. "You seem fine." 

"Mom-"

"You  _ aren't  _ skipping school just because you don't feel like it." She set her hands on her hands. "If you really feel sick then you can leave early, but that's it." She turned back to the door, marching out. "Now get dressed, or you're going to miss the bus."

"Mom-!"

She'd already gone back down the stairs.

Felix pushed himself out of bed, shaking. He leaned against his bedpost, choking back a panicked sob.  _ School- I have to go to school again- _

He stumbled down the stairway, right after pulling on a worn hoodie and crumpled jeans.  _ No, no, no, no. _

_ " _ Here's breakfast," said his mom, handing him a plate. Felix wanted to throw up. "Have a good day at school, okay?" She kissed his forehead. "Bus leaves soon, so hurry. I love you." She pushed the front door open.

"Mom?"

She swiveled her head. "Yes?" Her eyes had golden flecks in them, shining like yellow stars. 

"I-I-" The words died in his throat. "I- it's nothing."

She shrugged. "Okay. Bye then." The door slammed behind her. Felix stared at the rough and worn wood.

_ I love you. _

The words felt so final, so deadly. When was the last time he'd ever said them to her? She said them to him every day, and yet he couldn't remember.

Felix dumped his food in the trash before heading out the door.

He was outside, outside with the wind ruffling his hair, so why did he still feel walls closing in on him? Felix flinched every time a car drove past. One ran a red light, almost slamming headfirst into a truck coming from the opposite direction. 

_ It's so easy. _

_ So easy for it all to just end. _

He glanced over the bridge crossing the freeway, red and white lights streaming from each direction. Each one was connected to an engine, heavy tires, faulty breaks, broken glass-  _ and Chan shouldn't have been driving. None of us, really. _

Metal and steel and enough to crush the life out of someone.

_ To kill anyone. _

_ To kill me. _

_ It's so easy to die, isn't it? _

Felix realized he'd swung his legs over the railing, had let his hand fall- he yelled, grabbing hold just as his foot slipped. He fell backward, hitting his head painfully on sharp gravel. The world spun sharply.

_ What the hell were you thinking? _

Felix looked up into the sky, droplets of water hitting his forehead.

_ I don't know. _

_ I don't know what's happening to me. _

He pulled his hoodie over his head, thunder rumbling in the distance. The bus stop was ahead, his feet already slipping on the wet sidewalk. He could feel his hands shaking.  _ You have to go. _

_ They'll still go even if you don't. _

_ They'll still take Chan's car home. _

Felix walked up the stairs, sat next to Jisung, mumbled something when he asked about his drawing- 

_ Think. _

_ Think.  _

_ You were at school. _

_ You went to Hyunjin's party- _

He froze.

_ Hyunjin. _

_ Oh, fuck, Hyunjin- _

He'd kissed Hyunjin, he'd pulled him into his arms, he remembered his body pressed against his-

_ Think about that later- _

Hyunjin with a black eye, Hyunjin shoving him into the wall, Hyunjin's lips on his-

_ Shut up-! _

_ "Felix!" _

Felix jumped, swiveling his head.

"That's the fourth time I've called you," said Jisung, concern on his face. "You ok?"

"I-"

_ School. Then the party. Then after- _

_ Chan was driving the car. _

_ But he took his hands off the wheel- _

_ Minho pushed him? Or Changbin, or Jisung- _

_ There was a car in front of the road- or a truck? Too big to be a car. _

_ And then- _

"Felix?"

_ Jisung had a broken arm. Minho had a cut on his forehead...Chan was yelling, Changbin was calling the hospital... _

_ That leaves you and Jeongin, right? _

_ Front seat.  _

_ There was blood on the front seat. _

"I-I'm fine. Yeah."

Hyunjin shoved him to the side, again, and Felix couldn't stop staring.  _ I want you. I need you. _

_ Come back. _

He was trying not to look at Jisung or Minho, imagining Minho screaming and Jisung with a crushed arm,  _ and you're dead. _

He didn't remember climbing out of the bus, he didn't remember stumbling through the halls to his broken locker or circling all the wrong answers on his history test- he did remember seeing all his friends' faces at lunch. He remembered them as broken and bloody and the screams in the air-

"I'm sorry, I just can't- I can't do this-"

Felix stumbled into the bathroom, not making it two feet before his legs gave out. He pushed himself up, this time making it to the nearest stall before collapsing again. The floor was cold, the air was freezing, it felt like every part of him had turned to ice-

_ It was so cold. _

_ When you died. _

_ Because you know you didn't live. _

Felix yelled, letting out a sound in between a shout and a sob. His head was buried in his hands, his nails were digging into his skin- Pain wrenched through his chest, the edges of his vision going black.

_ Maybe you're dead right now. _

_ Maybe you're not human anymore. _

_ Just part of some machine. _

He could hear the bell, he knew he was missing some class, but he couldn't make his legs move, they were frozen to the ground.

_ Stop it stop it stop it- _

The stall opened. He hadn't even heard anyone come in.

"Felix?"

Felix flinched as a hand touched his shoulder.  _ Jeongin's voice. _

"Hey, are you- are you okay?" The words were halting, slightly edged with worry. "I can go get someone else..."

"Don't," mumbled Felix.  _ You were dead, too, weren't you. You weren't screaming- I wonder if it was quick?  _ "Why are you here?" 

"I just- you know, you seemed kind of off, so I thought..." Felix felt him slide down to the floor next to him. "...I just thought maybe someone should check on you."

"I don't want to talk to you." He winced as he said it sharply, more forceful than he intended. 

"Do you want me to leave, then?" said Jeongin softly.

_ I want you to not die. _

_ I don't want anyone to die. _

He felt arms circling around him, pulling him up from the floor. Felix leaned into Jeongin, burying his head in his shoulder.  _ He's warm. _

"Is this better?"

Felix nodded.

"You want to talk about it?"

Felix stayed silent.

The bell rang again, and Jeongin shifted slightly. "I have to get to class," he murmured. "You're okay?"

Felix pulled away, trying not to look him in the eyes. "Yeah," he mumbled. "Thanks."

"If you ever want to talk..."

"Yeah." Felix kind of wished he would leave; it had become way too awkward.

Jeongin pushed open the stall door and walked out.

Felix waited a few minutes after the door slammed before leaving himself, hoping to not see him again in the halls.  _ Now I look like an idiot.  _ He sighed, heading to the locker room to change into his gym clothes.

"Sorry, Coach! Was an accident!"

Felix's head had exploded, and his nose was gushing waves of blood onto the floor.  _ For the third time in the row. Holy fuck, it hurts. _

"-to the nurse's office?"

That same arm was pulling him up, dragging him outside- "-what did you do that for?"

The arm was now shaking him, and Felix was still trying to avoid looking up into those eyes-

"Hey!"

Felix looked up.

_ How is it possible for someone to be this hot? _

Same messy hair, same dark and lonely eyes, same lips worked into a soft pout-

Felix started laughing.

_ And how is it humanly possible for you to get hit in the face three times by the same person when you know exactly what's coming? _

Felix couldn't stop giggling.

_ Wow, you're an idiot. And wow, he's cute. _

He lost his balance, crashing into Hyunjin, who tried to push him away but failed- they both smashed into the wall.

Hyunjin looked up at him in horror. "Are you concussed?"

Felix became aware his nose was still bleeding- dripping blood onto his and Hyunjin's uniform.  _ Oops. _

"Um," Felix said, fighting a grin. "Um, no, I'm just- just-"

Hyunjin slipped out of Felix's grip, taking his arm in his hand. "I'll walk you to the nurse's office," he said slowly. "You'll be fine."

"I'm fine," said Felix, smiling widely. He felt better, lighter, all of a sudden, he just needed to stop thinking so much and he'd be fine. The world spun slightly as Hyunjin pulled him along. "Actually, you know, I think I'm better than fine. I'm amazing. I'm the best."

"Sure," muttered Hyunjin, not looking at him.

"The world isn't so bad, it's just like- it's like, we all die eventually, and you know, could be worse. You could've killed me." He wiped the blood off his nose with his sleeve. It seemed to be stopping, or at least bleeding less. "I mean, at least I got to kiss you before I died. Not a bad way to go."

Hyunjin turned to look at him. "What?"

Spots were dancing at the edges of Felix's vision. "I'm crazy," he said. "I'm not concussed, I'm just insane." He leaned against Hyunjin for support. "I think you hit me harder this time, though." 

He heard Hyunjin asking him something, but the words all fused together. He could feel himself falling again, spinning into that thick darkness-

Felix flinched awake.  _ Where- _

He saw the wooden bench, water stains, crooked shelves-  _ Ah. Nurse's office.  _ He lay back down.

Felix sighed, staring at the cracks in the ceiling. His head felt like a brick of cement with a metal rod sticking through the middle.  _ Ow.  _ Chan's little sister didn't seem to be here this time.

He pushed himself up again, ignoring the sudden wave of nausea and pain.  _ Did Hyunjin carry me here-?  _ There wasn't any sign of him.

The clock showed it almost the end of seventh period. Felix stumbled to his feet.  _ I didn't pass out before... _

The bell rang.  _ End of school. _

Felix opened the door. He barely made it to his locker before Jisung found him, the squirrel shoving his face in front of his textbooks. "Felix-!"

"Yes, Jisung."

"Huh? But you didn't even know what I was going to-"

"Yes, I can come to your house after school."

Jisung threw his arms around Felix's shoulders. "Yay-! I thought I'd have to force you! You're always moping around or say you feel sick or whatever-"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"You should be, but don't worry, you can make up for it~"

Felix felt almost empty as Jisung dragged him through the doors to Chan's car.

_ I don't have a plan. _

_ I don't know what I'm doing. _

_ And it's different than before. _

_ I don't know what I'm going to do. _

They were at Jisung's house, they were watching Frozen or Moana or something Felix couldn't remember, they were eating pizza and fries  _ who orders pizza with fries, what the hell,  _ Changbin was pummeling Minho with a pillow, Jeongin kept giving him worried looks,  _ and I still don't have anything. _

_ No plan. _

Jisung was yelling at them to hurry up,  _ grab all your stuff you can leave it in Chan's car,  _ and Chan was muttering about how someone had better not wreck his car,  _ throw a rock through the window or slash the tires- _

_ It's not even your car, what are you talking about? _

_ My parents will kill me, Jisung, and then I can't drive you to all these parties you want to go to- _

_ You're the one that suggested we go! _

Tires.

Wait.

Slash tires.

_ Come on, Felix, don't just stand there! _

They were in Chan's car, and Felix gasped every time they turned or hit a pothole, his nails digging into the seats. He wished Chan would slow down, just a little bit-

_ Tires. _

_ You can slash the tires. _

_ Then we can't drive, we have to get a ride- _

Felix yelped as they swerved to avoid a squirrel in the road.

_ You could try it. _

_ It's better than nothing. _

Felix remembered this road, these houses- his heart sped up. They were getting closer.

_ This is a terrible plan. _

Hyunjin's house was in front of them. Three stories, a gate, a wide lawn, and a couple of balconies-

Felix was shaking as he climbed out of the car.

People were laughing and dancing around him. He took the drink Minho had given him and dumped it in the sink.  _ Not this time.  _ He checked slowly; no one was looking his way.

Felix eased one of the drawers open.  _ Utensils.  _ Spoons, forks,  _ knives- _

He grabbed a small fruit knife, quickly hiding it in his hoodie pocket while slamming the drawer shut.  _ Did anyone see me-? _

No one around him was staring at him or had even glanced in his direction. Usually, Felix might feel a bit offended-  _ am I really that invisible-?  _ but now he just felt relief.  _ Good. _

He slipped through the crowd, heading back through the front door and onto the lawn. 

Felix sliced the blade across the first tire.  _ Fssshh-  _ it'd barely punctured it. He jammed it in harder, going almost all the way through. Now he could see it flattening, the air seeping out.  _ Next one. _

He winced as the knife went into the second one.  _ Chan's going to be pissed... _

On the other hand, he couldn't think of anyone else with a car big enough to fit eight extra people- he also couldn't think of anyone who'd leave early just to give them a ride. Jisung was friendly to everyone, but not that friendly.  _ We'll have to take the bus. _

Third tire. This one was the closest to the house; could anyone see him? He frowned, looking into the yard. A few people dancing, some kissing, a couple smoking a joint. Jeongin was there too, yelling at someone vaguely familiar, the two of them in a heated argument. Felix really hoped he didn't look to the right.

Fourth.  _ Sorry, Chan.  _ Felix wondered if Chan's parents would still let him borrow the minivan after this; he hoped so. Guilt twisted in his chest.

He stood up, admiring his work. Four flat tires; no way to drive the car. Felix tossed the knife in the sewer, glancing toward the house.  _ So what do I do now-? _

"What are you doing?"

Felix flinched.  _ Oh shit.  _ Someone behind him, someone had just seen what he been doing- his brain tried to think of an excuse, any excuse- and came up blank.

"You're not supposed to be here."

"I-I, um-"  _ Fuck.  _ "Look, I can, uh, explain-" The voice sounded as if it someone he'd met before, but not Chan or Jisung or one of his friends- He turned.

"You're supposed to be on the second floor."

Felix blinked.  _ What?  _

_ No split lip, no bruises, he wasn't out here before- _

"Unless it's-" Seungmin paused. "I thought it wasn't- you were the same before-" His eyes widened. "It's you?  _ You? _ "

"I don't- what?" He looked back at the porch. Jeongin was staring at the two of them, pushing himself up from his chair.  _ This is bad. _

Seungmin grabbed his sleeve, yanking him back towards the porch.  _ Wait, no- _

Felix could see Jeongin jogging towards them. "Felix-"

Seungmin ignored him, tugging Felix toward the stairs.

"Felix, why were you just-" Jeongin cut in front of them. Felix tried not to look guilty.  _ Did he see me too? _

"Excuse me," muttered Seungmin, trying to go through the doorway.

Jeongin blocked him. "Felix, what are you doing?"

"Come on," said Seungmin. "Move, Jeongin-"

" _ No, _ " hissed Jeongin. "I want to talk to Felix."

"Jeongin, come on-"

"I'm not moving," said Jeongin angrily, pushing Seungmin away. "You can leave."

"I'm not leaving, we need to get through-"

"Fuck you," said Jeongin. Felix blinked; he didn't think he'd ever heard Jeongin curse before. "Find another door."

"The back door's locked- come on-"

"Are you going to say sorry?"

"I- Jeongin, fucking move," Seungmin tried to push him out of the way, but Jeongin shoved him back.

"No." Jeongin growled. "You fuck up my life, you stalk me, you mess with my friends- and you don't even try to say sorry for all the shit you've done-"

"Jeongin,  _ get out of the way! _ "

"Not until you actually listen to me!"

"This isn't about you-"

"Yeah, it never is!" shouted Jeongin. "You never care! You don't care about anyone but yourself, you never have, it seems like you never will-"

" _ Please, Jeongin!"  _ Felix could see other people staring, one guy had his camera up, he thought he could see Minho on the couch looking towards the shouting.

"I'm not moving! I'll move when you actually hear what I'm saying, not just push me away or ignore me or-"

Jeongin froze.

The world seemed to freeze, too. Even the music was quieter than before as people stopped, glancing up at the roof. Seungmin's nails were digging through Felix's sleeve, it was almost as if he knew what those sounds were, the yells and the faint splintering of wood coming from above.

Felix shifted, Seungmin's eyes meeting his, and Felix saw that his were wide with fear and panic.

_ You do know. _

_ You've seen this before, haven't you? _

"You've fucked everything up," said Seungmin in a shaky voice, staring into Felix's eyes. "I'm going to have to do it again, damn it."

Something heavy hit the ground.

_ Thud. _

"Don't look-"

Felix turned.

Something-  _ Someone,  _ lying motionless on the ground, blood flowing from their head onto the cement, staining their hair red.

People were screaming, sobbing,  _ call an ambulance, call someone-  _

The music was still going, an upbeat, lively, and festive song- Felix almost felt like laughing.

Hyunjin's eyes were still open, a look of mingled fear and surprise had glazed them over.

Felix realized he'd fallen; his knees were pressing into the hardwood porch. Seungmin was tugging his arm,  _ Seungmin had tears on his face; _ that's right, they're friends, aren't they?

_ Were. _

_ They were friends. _

Because Hyunjin's body was lying at that twisted angle and his brain was spilling onto the sidewalk and-

Felix threw up.

He heaved into the bushes, almost as if his stomach was trying to climb up out of his throat. As if his eyes were broken, because this didn't seem right-  _ it wasn't Hyunjin, it was never Hyunjin, I don't understand- _

And eventually, Seungmin was dragging him past, staring in the other direction-  _ come on, come on, hurry up. Stop looking. _

Felix couldn't look away.

Even as he was dragged past the sidewalk, away from the house and the screams- he could still see him lying there, bleeding inside and out. 

They were inside Seungmin's car.

Felix had been dragged down the street towards a black Honda and then shoved into the front seat, hitting his arm painfully on the glove compartment. When he looked up, Seungmin was staring through the windshield, watching the red and blue lights from a block down. Felix couldn't read his face at all.

"Is it worse when you know what's coming?" 

"What-?" The words came to Felix as if they were underwater.

"Is it worse when you know what's coming or is it better."

"Um-"

"You're going to die tonight." 

Felix gaped at him. "What?" 

"You're going to die tonight. Is it better if I tell you?" The corner of Seungmin's mouth twitched. "Or would you rather it be a surprise?"

"I-I would rather you tell me-?"

"Well. I just did." 

Felix felt so empty. He ignored Seungmin, who was talking again, saying something about Hyunjin-  _ weren't they friends? Or they at least knew each other? _

_ Hyunjin's dead. _

It didn't mean anything.

They were just two words, floating in an empty void.

_ Hyunjin's dead.  _ He tried again.

Nothing.

Felix felt nothing.

"The balcony."

"Huh?"

"The balcony. That's where he fell from." Seungmin glared at Felix. "That was your fault."

"How-how was that my-"

"You were supposed to be up there. Second floor, stop him from going to the third. Give me time. I was gonna slash the tires- or something, I don't know-" He sighed. "I didn't think it was you, I thought it was Jeongin, I'm such an idiot-" He sighed again. "You're going to have to die tonight."

_ Hyunjin's dead. _

This time there was something. A small flicker of emotion.

_ Hyunjin's dead. _

It was like water seeping through a crack in a dam.

"How do you want to do it? Gun? Knife? We're already in a car, I could drive us off a bridge." Seungmin laughed softly. "Is that irony? It sounds like irony."

_ Hyunjin's dead. _

The dam broke.

Felix let out a sound somewhere between a sob and a scream.

_ Hyunjin's dead Hyunjin's dead Hyunjin's dead- _

He buried his head in his hands, tears and snot cascading down his face.

Seungmin tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. "Two minutes to midnight."

Guilt and anger and fear were tearing through Felix's chest, because  _ it was supposed to be me, it wasn't supposed to be him- _

_ I should've kissed him- _

_ One last time- _

"One minute." Seungmin groaned. "Do you think you can panic a little quieter? It's giving me a headache."

_ You didn't tell him this time, what now, how do you get him back- _

"Holy shit, Felix, he's not going to stay dead forever. You know this." Seungmin turned the car's key, starting the engine. "It's midnight." He rolled off of the curb, driving straight forward past the sirens and lights. "Now, pick a bridge."

Felix looked up. "W-what? Where- where are we going?" He bit down another sob.  _ Hyunjin's dead. He's dead. _

"A bridge."

"A bridge?"

Seungmin stared straight ahead, turning the steering wheel slowly. "Unless you'd like something else. Poison. Blunt object."

"Seungmin, you're- you're doing what?" Felix gawked at him, searching his face for any sign of a joke. He didn't find one. "Seungmin?"

"We both died before. Dumb luck. This time, though..." Seungmin laughed without humor. "When you're trying to save someone...you almost always kill someone else. Or something else. Something dies."

Felix tried the door handle. It was locked from the driver's side.

Seungmin sped up. "You're making it really difficult," he muttered. "I bet I could figure this out easier without you involved.

"Seungmin- Seungmin, slow down-"

"Both of them died the first time," said Seungmin, still with his foot on the gas pedal. Felix watched the needle on the dashboard tick higher- 65 miles. 70 miles. 75 miles per hour.

"Only one the second time. One this time, of course." He glared at Felix. "But you remember both."

Felix leaned back, giving up. The door was still locked- where would he jump out to, anyway? They had turned onto the freeway, red and white lights shining through the glass. "Why are you doing this?"

Seungmin didn't answer.

"You don't have to do this," Felix whispered. 

Silence.

Felix looked out through the window. There weren't any stars in the sky, light pollution making the horizon glow a dark orange-gold. Lights shone from everywhere, and Felix wondered if he could actually remember ever clearly seeing stars at night.

_ You could scream, you could fight, you could try to do something. Shouldn't you try to do something? _

"How?"

Seungmin didn't turn. "How what?"

"How come you remember?"

He shifted the steering wheel to the right, aiming for the exit north. "It's easier to just show you."

Felix was shaking. "So we're- you're going to aim the car, and it's going to just go-"

"Right off the side, yeah."

"And I can't stop you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"It won't reset. If it's just one of us." Seungmin frowned. "Or, it might reset, but you won't remember. I don't think so, though. You remembered before." 

The road became only two lanes, trees and ivy blocking out the sickly light. "Let me out."

"I can't." 

The trees widened, spilling them out onto a field of tall crops, swaying in the wind. Felix could see shimmering water at the far end.

"Let me out." The handle was still locked.

"I'm not going to." 

The water was coming closer, a sparkling lake crossed by a stunning bridge, smallish and covered in blue lights. They reflected onto the water, making the whole surface look like a gleaming sapphire. 

"You're going to kill us, you- that's murder, Seungmin, that's not-" The words caught in his throat.  _ Do something, say something, don't just sit there- _

"It's not forever," The words sounded shaky, uncertain, like he was trying to convince himself, too. "Just so they don't die. I'll fix it."

"They-?"

"Hyunjin. Jeongin. I won't let them die." He glared at Felix. "I'm not taking any chances."

The bridge came closer.  _ Just like Hyunjin, no air, no life, just empty eyes staring into space. _

"Seungmin, stop it-" Felix grabbed the wheel just as he shoved him away. 

"I don't know why you're here. I don't care why you're here. I don't know you; you mean nothing to me." He sped up. They were 20 feet away now, maybe; 15 feet, 10 feet. Felix couldn't do anything but watch the water get closer and closer.

"You should've died anyway," Seungmin hissed. "You were already dead. Someone just did you a  _ favor. _ " They were on the bridge. The blue lights were too bright- they burned into Felix's eyes.  _ I can't stop it, I can't stop this- _

"But I'm not a murderer," Seungmin said softly. "So I'll let you come back." 

He twisted the wheel to the left.

Felix screamed; they were heading towards the side, about to slam through the metal; he grabbed the wheel, tearing it back to the right. Seungmin shoved him into the window- and now the car was going too far right, there was a loud crunch as the car hit the metal side. They were tilting, tilting, they were going to fall-

The car fell.

Felix didn't remember it hitting the water, but he remembered the lakewater coming in through the sides. It was an inky black, not blue like before, and Felix only had a second to breathe before he was pulled under.

He gasped, letting go of some of his air. 

The lake was dark and quiet, almost peaceful. Felix couldn't see anything, he tried the handle-  _ still locked. Of course. _

He twisted in his seat- they were sinking, he could feel the weight of the water pressing him down. There was no light-  _ which way is up? _

Felix began to panic.

He unbuckled his seatbelt, his head hitting the ceiling, trying to go up but he was trapped with no way out- his lungs burned, sparks of red and white flashed behind his eyes.  _ Out, out, you need to get out-  _

He felt glass under his outstretched hand- he reached, slamming his fist into it over and over. It didn't break.  _ Shit, Seungmin- _

Felix felt as if he were going to explode, every part of his body screaming out for air.  _ Don't breathe.  _ His lungs betrayed him, inhaling, searching for oxygen but finding only a dark sea. The lake was spinning, pulling Felix in- there wasn't anything left but water, burning his chest as he breathed in.

The world was spinning. Spinning in darkness, but Felix felt safe, floating,  _ it was going to be okay.  _ He almost wanted to laugh.  _ Everything's going to be okay. _

Then a hand grabbed him by the throat.

Felix screamed.

The hand squeezed, and Felix fell back into his body, remembering what pain felt like- there was a lot of it now, burning through every cell in his body. The water was acid, singing his lungs, his bones were broken and crushed- his skin and flesh was peeling off his bones, but he was still alive, still alive-

The hand was dragging him towards the surface.

It hurt, he wanted to go back, back down to where he couldn't see or feel but at least it wasn't this painful-

His head broke the surface.

The hand grabbed his arm, pulling him to the left. Felix yelled, gasping in lungfuls of air, even if it smelled like sulfur it was  _ air, _ he could breathe again. There was ground under his feet, and he swam towards the shore, crawling out of the black lake onto red soil-

He laughed.  _ I'm alive. _

_ I'm alive, I'm alive- _

_ "You're not alive." _

Felix turned.

_ "I just thought you'd like to see it. Before you go back." _

Seungmin was on the shore, his back against a withered tree, like a rotted hand reaching into the ruby sky.

Felix gasped, backing away. Y _ ou killed me, you tried to kill me-  _ he tripped over a root in the ground, falling back onto the rugged soil.

_ "I had to do it." _

Felix couldn't move, he was frozen as Seungmin pushed himself to his feet, coming closer to where Felix had fallen. He tried to crawl away, his foot was stuck in the tree root-

_ "You don't want to know where we are?" _

_ Where are we, this doesn't look like home, it looks like hell-  _ The sky burned a violent red, purple lightning flashing in the cloudy mist.

_ "Hell, huh?"  _ Seungmin kneeled next to Felix.  _ "Good guess." _

Felix screamed.  _ Someone, anyone- _

There wasn't anyone left to hear him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reread the second chapter...and damn I really messed up the pacing *-*
> 
> Also, my best friend forced me to give her the link for this work and now I'm dead inside :D  
> That's half of why I changed my username ;)  
> "Saiba" is actually one of my friend's names for a pokemon game, (I stole it as a placeholder) so that's the other half :)  
> Also...the main reason I posted this work was that I was sure no one would ever read it... and apparently, people did...so idk what to do now :')  
> I promise not to delete it tho :D  
> I purple y'all ;) sleep well and have a good day <3

**Author's Note:**

> How´d you like it?  
> My writing is a bit weird, I promise it gets better ;-;  
> Also, usually the chapters will be a bit (or a lot) longer, this one is only 1.2k  
> Right now I'm thinking maybe 7 chapters, updates 3-4 times a month, this might change tho?  
> Anyway, I hope my terrible writing didn´t ruin your day~  
> Hope to see you again :D Have a good day/night!


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